Chapter 1: The Weight of Darkness

In many ways, I should be in despair. My writing aspirations seem to be buried under layers of disappointment. The last publication from me dates back to 2017, and it reached a mere handful of readers. The thought of seeking a new literary agent is daunting, sending me into a spiral of frustration. Instead, I find myself staring blankly at a computer screen, clinging to the hollow reassurance of “if you build it, they will come” — a notion I know all too well is far from true. Meanwhile, I scroll through LinkedIn, watching as my peers celebrate their new jobs, homes, and even pets, while I ponder if I’ll need to sell my clothes just to make ends meet. The idea of filing my taxes fills me with dread, as I can only imagine the lecture I’d receive from an IRS agent about financial accountability.

As for love, it’s an elusive concept that I hear others discuss but have yet to experience. My health is a mess, and humorously, both my cat and I are battling diabetes.

While it would be easy to dwell on lost opportunities and poor choices — I often wish I could hit a reset button back to 2009 — I refuse to give in to that temptation. Wallowing is a thief, dragging you deeper into despair. It’s a destructive cycle that isolates you and makes you question the time wasted feeling sorry for yourself.

I find myself reflecting on time frequently, aware that my future years are numbered compared to those I’ve already lived. The relentless ticking of the clock is a reminder that days are passing, and my face is showing the marks of aging. There’s no escaping reality; there is only this moment and the next. I contemplate how I want to use or waste the time I have left.

As I hold my two published books in my hands, I remind myself of the miracle that it is to have shared my work with the world. Sitting in my cozy living room, I feel anchored and grateful for this small sanctuary that I can finally call home, no longer shuttling between temporary spaces without unpacking.

I cherish the opportunity to arrange my collection of two thousand books. Rather than lamenting the love I haven't had, I choose to focus on the love I have experienced. I think of friends who listen to my ramblings and those who comforted me when I felt unworthy of affection. I remember the strangers who reach out to say my writing has impacted their lives — that connection is a form of love.

Sometimes I let myself feel sad, allowing it to visit like an old friend, but I know when to send it away once it overstays its welcome. I could complain about my career veering off course, but then I realize how freeing it is not to be treated as just a profit-generating machine. It’s a relief not to engage in petty office politics or worry about job security, despite having bought into the myth that corporate jobs are inherently safer.

I appreciate the simple things: a home, a fridge filled with healthy food, and a body that still moves. There was a time when I had none of these.

I may not be the most upbeat person; I deal with clinical depression and navigate life on the spectrum — swinging between confusion and unhappiness. A New Yorker at heart, I tend to be practical, rational, and skeptical. Yet, when I think of gratitude, it embodies a shift in perspective. It’s not about journaling or trendy rituals; it’s not the latest Instagram course or self-help gimmick.

For me, gratitude is about recognizing what you have experienced, what you have achieved, and understanding that you can revisit those feelings. It’s the acknowledgment of the unexplored possibilities ahead. It’s that exhilarating realization that I’m still here, with another day, another chance to pull myself from the shadows.

The Science of Gratitude & How to Build a Gratitude Practice explores the profound effects of gratitude on mental health and offers practical steps to cultivate a grateful mindset.

Chapter 2: The Power of Perspective

The official music video for We Are Messengers - God Be The Glory serves as a reminder of the uplifting power of gratitude in our lives, encouraging us to find joy and hope amidst challenges.