# Rediscovering Emotions Post-Antidepressant Use: Is It Worth It?
Written on
Chapter 1: The Journey Begins
During the turbulent times of the 2020 pandemic, I found myself turning to antidepressants (specifically Escitalopram, the generic form of Lexapro). With the world spiraling out of control, feelings of isolation overwhelmed me. In my quest for relief from anger and sorrow, I sought the highest dosage from my General Practitioner.
Initially, the medication dulled the intensity of my emotions, providing a semblance of calm. However, this tranquility quickly morphed into a profound numbness. Life became stark and monochromatic, almost as if it were a thin sheet of paper. I wasn’t thriving but merely surviving, and there was a strange comfort in this newfound apathy, which made me feel invulnerable.
As I settled deeper into my isolated routine of remote work from my bedroom, the numbness intensified. I perfected a daily schedule that revolved around my daughter's school and sports activities. I discovered the true nature of a comfort zone—how it can ensnare you and subtly discourage you from stepping outside.
While this zone was beneficial for my finances and work performance, it drained my spirit. With my sense of invulnerability, I allowed my personal relationships to deteriorate, convincing myself that perhaps they were unnecessary or even toxic. I thought I was better off alone.
However, approximately six months ago, I realized I no longer wanted to be a shadow of my former self. I yearned to feel again, even if it meant experiencing pain. More importantly, I craved emotional connections with others—sharing laughter, jokes, and engaging in life beyond my own confines.
When I approached my GP about reducing my dosage, he was supportive and even advised against long-term use. Together, we agreed on a gradual tapering off, rather than abrupt cessation, which had previously led me to bouts of rage that left me embarrassed.
I was determined not to repeat past mistakes. Having done significant inner work, I felt prepared to break the cycle of temporary medication use, which had become a recurring pattern every couple of years when life became overwhelming.
In many ways, the medication had been a lifeline. For two years, it allowed me to block out the chaos and focus inward, where I explored hobbies, interests, and routines. I delved into psychology, conversed with therapists, and learned to rewire my thought processes.
The last three months without medication have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I have reawakened to feelings—both exhilarating and painful. Anxiety can be debilitating, and spontaneous tears often catch me off guard. I've experienced moments of rage directed at loved ones, necessitating apologies and self-reflection.
Yet, I have also learned to recognize and manage negative thought patterns. I employ various distractions, such as spiritual meditation, cooking, reaching out to friends, and writing to process my feelings. My thoughts no longer dictate my reality; instead, I have gained the ability to identify, categorize, and control them.
Unexpectedly, I’ve rediscovered my humor, warmth, and curiosity. They are back in my life, and so am I. However, I know I have changed. Engaging in self-awareness and the process of mental rewiring leaves a lasting impact on one’s psyche.
Ultimately, I’ve realized that mental health is a continuous journey—an essential aspect of the human experience.
In this video, "What Am I Supposed To Feel After Taking An Antidepressant?", the speaker discusses the emotional landscape individuals may navigate after starting antidepressants. It explores feelings of numbness and the complexities of emotional recovery.
Chapter 2: Embracing Vulnerability
In "MY EXPERIENCE ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS Q&A | Estée Lalonde," the speaker shares personal insights about living with antidepressants, addressing common questions and experiences that many face.
This ongoing exploration of mental health underscores the importance of vulnerability and connection in our lives.