Chapter 1: Understanding the Gap Between Affirmation and Denial

In the fleeting moment between saying yes and no, I often found myself trapped in a cycle of indecision. It took me not just seconds, but years—three years to be exact—to arrive at a place where I could genuinely confront the questions that challenged me. My journey to understanding and owning my truth unfolded over eight long years, a process of learning to stand firm in the face of whatever life threw at me.

Why was this so difficult? Why couldn’t I simply admit, "Yes, I have an STI," or "No, I didn’t attend an Ivy League school"? Why did it take multiple attempts to pass the bar exam before I could say, "Yes, I made mistakes"? Even something as trivial as "No, I don’t like cheese—except in grilled cheese sandwiches" felt monumental.

The answers to these questions seemed to shape my identity. They represented aspects of myself that I was unable to accept publicly. Consequently, I found myself in a dilemma: I could either lie, speak my truth with shame, or completely avoid interactions that might lead to such inquiries. In doing so, I cut off parts of myself because I believed that I wasn't worthy of love in any flawed form. Each time I chose to engage, I filtered my responses, only showcasing around half of who I truly was. I had surrendered my self-worth to those who asked the questions, allowing their approval to overshadow my own sense of value.

The aftermath of withholding my truth was nothing short of painful—it demanded extensive introspection, backtracking, and hiding. It was the discomfort that accompanies personal growth, forcing me to question whether it was truly worthwhile.

Conversely, embracing my truth has been equally challenging yet liberating. There’s an exhilarating rush in being courageous and accepting myself, but it can also be frightening. This exhilaration is something I never regret; it simply feels authentic. In those moments, I reclaim my energy. However, the fear stems from knowing that others might react strongly, and I must face the repercussions of my honesty.

There are parts of me that doubt this newfound openness, convincing me that it might be wrong, and without prior experiences to reassure me, a sense of impending doom looms. Delving into these feelings is profound and essential, as I recognize that the unique expressions we all possess are urgently needed in this world. This realization fuels my life's purpose—helping others navigate through their darkest moments to uncover their fundamental goodness, which has been tested and proven true.

The first video, "Navigating the Unsettling Space Between No Longer and Not Yet," explores the emotional journey of transitioning from one state of being to another. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing and embracing uncertainty as part of personal growth.

The second video, "siopaolo - the space between us [audio]," reflects on the connections and disconnections we experience, highlighting the spaces that exist between our truths and our fears.

Chapter 2: The Importance of Owning Your Narrative

Throughout this journey, I've learned that owning my narrative is essential. When I finally allowed myself to accept and express my truth, I found a profound sense of freedom and authenticity. This chapter delves deeper into the significance of embracing our stories and how they shape our interactions with the world around us.