The Initial Step Toward Healing

Before you approach anyone to offer an apology, take some time—whether it’s a few minutes or days—to draft a statement of accountability. This document doesn’t need to be lengthy but must be thorough and truthful. Writing it down is crucial; it allows for deeper reflection than merely verbalizing your thoughts. You’ll face fewer distractions, avoiding the urge to justify your actions or react to someone else's feelings. Moreover, you’ll have a tangible record of your honesty, serving as a testament to your commitment to self-improvement.

Consider this example of how NOT to craft a statement of responsibility. A man who physically abused his child years later wrote to her, attempting to mend their relationship. Here's an excerpt of his initial attempt:

“I’m sorry I hit you, but you were a bad kid, you never listened, and I was afraid that you’d grow up not having any respect for authority. My father used to hit us worse than that, and it instilled discipline in me so that I was able to be successful in everything I did. I wanted that for you. I love you.”

There are numerous issues with this message. If you received such an apology, you might only forgive out of frustration, wishing for the conversation to end. While it’s a step forward that he admits to hitting his child, it falls far short of genuine accountability.

Let’s break this down further.

Starting with "I’m sorry":

An apology isn't necessary in a statement of accountability. Your aim here is to clarify your actions, not express regret. You can certainly convey your sorrow later once you’ve detailed what you’re apologizing for. In this case, it seems the writer is more regretful about having to write this than about the actual act of hitting.

Next, "I hit you":

This part of his message is the most effective, as it identifies the offending behavior. However, providing more specifics, such as the nature of the abuse, would create a clearer understanding of the wrongdoing, preventing any vagueness.

Avoid using "But":

The word "but" should be omitted entirely. It tends to introduce excuses that detract from taking full responsibility. While there may be context to your actions, a statement of accountability should focus solely on acknowledging your behavior.

Accusations and Victim Mentality:

The writer shifts blame by labeling the child as a "bad kid" who "never listened," effectively turning the victim into the offender. This move is an attempt to elicit sympathy while evading personal responsibility.

Context is essential, but this statement should focus solely on your actions. Acknowledging the possible reasons behind the child's behavior could be a separate discussion, but not in this context.

Reflecting on Intentions:

When explaining motivations, it’s essential to be cautious. While intentions are often portrayed positively, they can mask deeper, less admirable motives.

After composing your first draft, scrutinize any statements that might cast you in a favorable light. Good intentions can sometimes conceal selfishness or denial about the true nature of your actions.

An Improved Approach:

What might a more effective statement of accountability look like? After undergoing therapy and reflecting honestly, it could resemble this:

“When you were ten years old, I lost my temper and hit you in the face. I then sent you to your room and told your mother you fell. I pretended it never happened for years until you brought it up. You didn’t deserve that treatment. I was afraid of losing my authority, and I should’ve known better. I failed to love you as I should have and want to learn to love you better.”

This version acknowledges the impact of the actions and the subsequent neglect. It's crucial to consider how the aftermath of wrongdoing can be just as damaging, if not more so, than the original offense.

Understanding the True Impact

The aftermath of an offense often compounds the hurt caused. For instance, did the father attend to his child's emotional wounds after the incident? Did he acknowledge the severity of his actions or attempt to cover them up?

The consequences of neglect, abandonment, and betrayal can be more damaging than the initial act itself. It’s worth reflecting on whether you would prefer a single act of violence or a continuous cycle of deceit.

Moving Forward

As we continue this discussion, we will explore the significance of broken promises in the context of accountability. Stay tuned for the next article in this series.

Keith R Wilson is a mental health counselor in private practice and the author of The Road to Reconciliation: A Comprehensive Guide to Peace When Relationships Go Bad, from which this article is adapted.