Chapter 1: A New Beginning

A week ago, I resolved to challenge my negative mindset and actively take control of my life. The tipping point was an unexpected breakup with someone I truly cared for. It wasn't just the end of the relationship that affected me—it was the way it happened that severely impacted my self-esteem. Coupled with my ongoing struggles with depression, I knew I had to make a change.

Setting a goal for a glow-up became my mission. I aimed to improve my diet, exercise regularly, soak up some sunshine, and more. Keeping my mind occupied with these goals felt essential.

Joining a new gym, rather than sticking with my old routine or working out alone at home, proved to be a transformative decision. Planet Fitness might not realize how their beautiful environment motivates me, especially at such a low price. I've also learned to be gentler with myself if I miss a workout. After years of exercise, I understand that consistency can fluctuate due to life’s demands.

Getting dressed up before running errands is a challenge for me. My age makes it hard to simply apply mascara and feel put together. I can't say whether I feel better when I dress up compared to wearing casual clothes and no makeup, but I do know that my younger self would be mortified by my current appearance. I need to elevate my standards, especially since I work from home and only present myself for Zoom meetings.

Maintaining a healthy diet is another struggle. It's not about my weight; it's about genuinely taking care of my body. After years of battling disordered eating, it's tough to focus on health. I'm drinking more water, despite my dislike for it, because I remind myself of how plants wilt without proper hydration. My skin craves moisture to look its best.

Currently, I manage to eat one healthy meal daily, which is a step up from solely relying on chips and cookies. However, buying healthy food can be a challenge, especially as a single mom on a tight budget. Walking into the grocery store, I tell myself, "Time to load up on veggies!" But then, I see the prices and question whether it's worth it when I might not eat them before they spoil.

To make matters worse, I'm an emotional eater. I'm managing a relatively healthy perspective, but I still have my moments. Last Thursday was particularly tough.

I met a new friend for breakfast, and as I sat across from her, I couldn't help but feel self-conscious. She wore leggings and a fitted top that accentuated her figure, while I felt like a giant next to her. My thoughts spiraled—was this the kind of competition I faced on dating apps? Feeling anxious, I ended up devouring two large pastries.

That evening, I joined friends for a night out. I thought a light dinner at home would balance out my earlier indulgence. We went to a trendy restaurant that felt like a Hollywood hotspot. The clientele was glamorous, and I felt out of place in my well-worn SUV, surrounded by flashy cars.

Thanks to a reservation made by a friend, we bypassed the entrance hassle. Inside, the atmosphere was surreal, filled with stunning women in high-fashion outfits and men who exuded wealth. I spotted a striking older woman whose appearance made my insecurities flare up. I couldn't help but wonder if she was the type of woman my ex might date. The comparison left me feeling like I was lacking, so I indulged in every fried appetizer in sight, hoping to cope with my mounting insecurities.

This led me back to my dating app, seeking validation from external sources. I ended up scheduling three dates over the next three days—definitely not a great idea. I realized I needed to cancel one, focus on my workouts, and curl up with a good book instead.

One unexpected source of joy for me has been curating a playlist for when I’m driving. If I depend on Spotify or Sirius XM, I often hear songs that remind me of my ex. Instead, I’ve created a mix of upbeat songs to distract my mind. A tip: 80s music makes for a fun playlist!

At home, I often listen to the Smartless podcast hosted by Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, and Sean Hayes. I find humor hard to come by on my own, but their podcast brightens my cleaning and getting-ready routines. I dread running out of episodes.

While it may seem trivial, I wonder if small joys like these can truly combat the depths of depression. It feels like sending light-hearted cards to world leaders during a global crisis. My inner voice of depression is always present. I question whether small changes, like uplifting music, could be the long-sought answer to managing my lifelong battle with depression.

Emotions feel like a rollercoaster. I wonder if that’s a normal part of self-improvement and the emotional release it brings, or if I’m merely pretending to pursue a glow-up while knowing I might revert to old habits.

Ultimately, the key is allowing myself to embrace this glow-up. Growing up with religious immigrant parents who dismiss mental health makes self-care feel indulgent. It’s a challenge to do things that make me happy without feeling guilty.

Research shows that investing in nice workout clothes can enhance performance and boost confidence. I have my share of activewear, but I yearn for a cute matching set. It seems reasonable to treat myself, especially given my efforts to earn extra income.

Yet, I grapple with the mindset instilled in me that I don’t need new clothes. I want them because they could lift my spirits and motivate me to hit the gym. The struggle with self-indulgence and guilt is real.

To truly experience a glow-up, I must accept that some selfish acts are necessary. It’s not just about feeling good in the moment, but breaking free from the martyr mentality. I can rationalize cosmetic procedures like Botox, not because they enhance my beauty, but because they mask my perceived flaws. In a tech-driven world, aging can feel like a disadvantage.

Change is uncomfortable. Being kind to myself is uncomfortable. Not engaging in self-loathing is uncomfortable. Avoiding comparisons is uncomfortable. Breaking away from my depressive tendencies is uncomfortable.

When I think of a "glow-up," I envision a radiant goddess emerging from a cocoon. My reality feels more like a troll stepping out of a cave after years, only to be transformed by a Sephora employee and handed self-help books until someone caps it all off with a graduation hat.

I’m discovering that a glow-up transcends mere appearance. It involves nurturing all aspects of self: self-concept, self-esteem, and self-perception. It’s about learning to place myself on a pedestal, an endeavor that feels as daunting as climbing Mount Everest.

And so, my journey towards self-improvement continues.

Chapter 2: The Shadows of Divorce

Divorce brings a unique darkness, one that often veils the promise of light.

The first video captures the struggles and triumphs of self-improvement during challenging times, reflecting on personal growth and resilience.

Chapter 3: The Cycle of Relationships

It's a familiar pattern: they always come back, like clockwork.

The second video offers insights into navigating relationships and the complexities that arise, providing a sneak peek into deeper emotional themes in Season 2.