Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins

It was a Sunday evening, and my pantry was barren after entertaining guests who polished off my stash of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni. This unfortunate situation, along with my Corvair's exhaust that sounded reminiscent of a nuclear meltdown, meant one thing: a trip to the new superstore was in order.

Monday morning greeted me with a sprawling parking lot, reminiscent of the vast asphalt fields surrounding Arrowhead Stadium. A crowd of eager shoppers had already gathered. The new superstore is open 24/7, with only a brief pause at midnight for a diligent employee to hit the enormous Reset button.

At 5:37 am, I walked through the entrance of The New Superstore.

By 5:40 am, I found myself in Auto Repair, handing over my keys and parking details. While browsing the repair form, I noticed a buy-one-get-one-free deal on lug nuts—what a steal!

At 6:15 am, I headed towards the Pharmacy but took a detour through Eyewear. The sales associate informed me that Lasik surgery would be more economical than purchasing new glasses repeatedly. When I inquired about the doctor’s availability, she confidently stated that she had already performed three procedures and could take me right away. What luck!

By 7:45 am, I was ready to see clearly again! After disposing of my glasses in an Eyes for the Needy bin, I zipped over to the Pharmacy for my Cialis refill, received my first Shingles vaccination, had a wart removed from an awkward spot, completed an overdue EKG, and picked up a couple of PayDay bars. Breakfast? Who needs it?

At 9:15 am, I swung by the Accounting department across from the pharmacy. They helped me fill out my Form 1040, balance my checkbook, and sync up with Auto Repair for the funds in my ashtray.

By 9:45 am, I was in Legal, finalizing divorce papers, updating my charitable trust, and pursuing a lawsuit against Jeremy's orthodontist—just the usual errands.

At 12:20 pm, I found myself in the bustling Food Court, waiting for my chimichangas while overhearing a judge’s ruling against an Italian eatery for rinsing starch off their pasta.

Monday at 1 pm, I promptly met my fiancée for a quick, intimate ceremony in the Chapel, as she was on her lunch break. Afterward, she rushed off to explore Window Treatments.

At 1:30 pm, I found myself puzzled by the window treatment section.

Section 1.1: A Quick Counseling Session

Feeling a twinge of guilt about my speedy marriage and recent divorce, I wandered into Counseling. All the Cognitive Behavioral Therapists were busy, so I opted for an Expressive Therapist instead.

Subsection 1.1.1: A Surprising Discovery

By 3:00 pm, despite my melancholic mood, I was uplifted by my expressive art project—a papier-mâché representation of a Red-bellied Cooter. Passing by Personal Genomics, I decided to get a 23andMe test, only to discover I’m distantly related to both Louis XIV and Draymond Green.

At 4:05 pm, a burst of energy led me to the Skeleton and Luge Run, which surprisingly housed the Life Insurance department. I took the opportunity to increase my coverage.

Monday at 5:08 pm, I still held my opinions about Draymond firmly.

As I limped back to my Corvair, I found a note from my CPA on my windshield, revealing that my ashtray contained a grand total of $23.47, alongside ₩4,196 in Korean won and a half-empty Pez dispenser. This would serve as my first payment for the Lasik surgery—if they accept won, that is.

At 5:15 pm, I remembered I still needed to grab the Beefaroni. You might assume I’d conclude this escapade with a return trip to purchase the one item I forgot, but hold your horses, Sherlock. We’ve come a long way from the days when superstores sold mutton shanks and pipe cleaners.

PS: Where on earth do they keep the groceries?

PPS: BOGO on pipe cleaners!

Chapter 2: A New Culinary Adventure

This video titled "TimeZone Surfers Paradise Walkthrough - It's massive" provides an overview of a superstore experience that mirrors my own amusing day.

At home, Monday evening brought a romantic dinner for the newlyweds. However, judging by the avocado chutney and braised kale on our plates, it seemed my new spouse embraced a vegan lifestyle.

As for the Beefaroni? Good news—I still have the receipt! "Try a Pez, sweetheart," I quipped. And those window treatments? Truly remarkable. That's the thing about windows—they require … treatment. Perhaps I should consult a gestalt therapist. At the new superstore, of course.